Chinese stories

In honor of April Fool’s day and this blog’s birthday, here’s a joke:

艾子常醉，门生私语曰：“是不可谏止，当以险休之。”一日饮哕，门生密置豕肠，示艾曰：“凡人具五脏，今师饮而出一脏，何以生耶？”艾子熟视，笑曰：“唐三脏犹可活，况四脏耶？”

Aizi was a drunkard. His buddies said amongst themselves, “If we can’t convince him to quit, we will have to scare him into quitting.” One day Aizi got drunk and vomited, and when he wasn’t looking his buddies put a pig’s intestine in the vomit. They pointed it out to Aizi, saying, “Everyone has five organs, but you have lost one due to your drinking. How is it you are still alive?” Aizi looked closely, and laughed, saying, “If Three-Organs Tang could live, why not me with my four organs?”

From the book 酒牌. Three-Organs Tang is Tripitaka. Its probably only funny in the original…

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Here’s a funny one that’s been going around the office (probably some errors in my understanding of the dialect):

Two Chongqingers traveled to Beijing to see the sights. Because they were not familiar with the layout of Beijing, they opened up a map while on a bus.
First guy: “Lets first kill to Tiananmen, then kill to the Chairman Mao Memorial Hall, then kill to Zhongnanhai…”
Second guy: “OK, we’ll follow your route and kill everything.”
(Note: Chongqingers pronounce “go” as “kill”)
Too bad for them, they were reported by the other passengers, and once they stepped off the bus they were taken immediately to the police station, and were only let go after explaining themselves for several hours.

The two fellows went to Tiananmen Square, and were momentarily speechless at the sight of all the people…
The first guy can’t take it any longer: “Why don’t you open fire?”
Second guy: “If you don’t open fire first, how can I open fire?”
As soon as the words were out of their mouths, they were taken to the police station.
(Note: Chongqingers say “open your mouth” like “open fire”)
 
One week later the two were let out of jail, and stood there looking at each other.
First guy: “That’s great, our pockets are empty. Where can we go to get some bullets?”…The guards ran over and held them to the ground.
(Note: Chongqingers say “money” like “bullets”)

Finally, the PSB sent out a notice saying that Chongqingers are strictly prohibited from speaking the Chongqing dialect during the Beijing Olympic Games.

两个重庆人到北京观光旅游，由于对北京的地理环境不熟悉,就在公交车上打开地图研究.
甲：”我们先杀到天安门，然后再杀到毛主席纪念馆,最后杀到中南海…”
乙：”要得嘛，我们就按到你说的路线一路杀过切。”
(注解:重庆和四川人说的杀是指去的意思)
不幸被同车群众举报，下车后即被扭送至公安机关，交代了若干小时情况后才被放出。
 
甲乙两人来到了天安门广场，看着人来人往,两人一时无语……….
甲忍不住：”你浪个不开腔（枪）喃？”
乙：”你都不开腔我浪个敢开喃？”
话音刚落，又被广场群众扭送至公安机关。

一周后两人走出了看守所大门，你看看我，我看看你.
甲说：”这哈安逸了，包包都遭整空了，哪点去搞点子弹嘛？”……门口的武警冲上
来将两人按倒在地。
(注解:子弹在重庆和四川方言里是钱的意思)

最后，国家公安部发出通知，严禁奥运会期间重庆人到北京讲重庆话.

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Here is a funny post (series of pictures) that compares the Dabei Temple 大悲寺, a Buddhist temple in Shanxi that supposedly is the only Buddhist temple in China without a collection box, with the Shaolin Temple 少林寺, the flashy martial-arts training money-making “temple” in Henan. It shows the head of the Dabei Temple in his raggedy gray gowns and the “CEO” of the Shaolin Temple in his new yellow gowns. There are four pages of pictures, the funniest being the ones asking why the Shaolin Temple needs guards, and showing them using the wireless internet in the temple.

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My wife likes to read the sohu forums, and found this funny post today. Here is my translation. The premise behind the stories is that the husband has not come home all night. So what does the wife do?

1)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day she goes to a private detective and gives him 2,000 yuan to collect evidence that her husband is cheating on her. After one week the husband receives a court summons telling him his wife wants a divorce. In the end the husband is found to be guilty and all of his assets go to his wife.
This is a Beijing wife.

2)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day she goes to the beauty parlor for a perm, then gets a facial done and buys some sexy underwear. That night she lights some candles and makes dinner. Altogether she spends 400 yuan. After her husband gets home that night and sees his sexy wife, his jaw drops down so low you could put an egg in his mouth, and deeply regrets what he did. He swears he won’t let her leave him for his whole life.
After one week his wife writes an essay entitled “How can I keep my cheating husband?” which is published in a magazine, and she gets a 500 yuan payment.
This is a Shanghai wife.

3)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day she dresses seductively and calls up her first love: “Hi, do you still remember me? I’m so lonely, and am free tonight…”
Her husband continues his affair, as does the wife, and both are content.
This is a Guangdong wife.

4)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day she gets up and cleans the house until it’s spotless, then washes and folds her husband’s clothes, and leaves a note for him telling him to remember to take his medicine. She goes to her mother’s house.
Later the husband realizes his mistake and goes to his mother-in-law’s begging forgiveness, and swears to his wife that if she returns with him they will live happily ever after.
This is a Sichuan wife.

5)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day, the wife sharpens both of the big chopping knives in the house, and decides to face him holding one in front and one in back. She says to herself: “Hmph, either the fish will die or the net will break.”
Later the husband returns home to her like a good little boy.
This is a Hunan wife.

6)
The wife doesn’t sleep all night.
The next day she gets up, rolls up her sleeves and goes into the kitchen. Usually she can eat four ounces of noodle soup and a fried cake, but today she devours one pound of noodle soup and ten fried cakes.
After finishing eating, the wife rubs her big belly and lies on the bed and wails: “How will I go on living? It’s up to you…”
The husband does not divorce her because he had an affair, but because a half a year later she is as fat as a pig…
This is a Shanxi wife

7)
The wife does not sleep all night.
The next day she returns, crying to her mother’s home, and tells her brother about the affair. Her brother calls her aunt’s brother and uncle’s brother. All of them come wielding clubs and wait along the road to the husband’s house…
Later the bruised husband goes to court wanting a divorce. Negotiations come to nothing, and the court rules in favour of a divorce, with the assets being split in half, and the wife having to pay for the husband’s medical bill.
This is a Northeastern Wife

The wife does not sleep all night.
The next day she gets up and runs over to her husband’s office yelling and crying, and tells everybody about her husband’s affair with their “home-wrecker” co-worker, and the company agrees to deal with the matter.
Later they divorce, and the husband marries his young co-worker one year later.
This is a Shandong wife.

9)
The wife does not sleep all night.
The next day she gets up and goes to her mother’s home. She leaves behind a note saying “take care” and “give me 200,000 yuan if you don’t want to divorce.”
This is a Hebei wife.

And my wife is from… Hunan!! Aaaaah, zenme ban?? I’m coming home straight from work tonight, honey! Happy anniversary!!!

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孔子哭子路於中庭，有人弔者，而夫子拜之。既哭，進使者而問故。使者曰：“醢之矣。”遂命覆醢。

Confucius was crying over Zilu’s death in his hall. Someone came to mourn, and the master thanked him. When he was done crying, Confucius had the messenger sent in, and asked about Zilu’s death. The messenger said, “He has been chopped into mincemeat.” Confucius had the mincemeat they were about to eat poured out.

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