Chinese stories

These lessons about food are probably learned the hard way by most of us. Having a two-year-old at home, I wonder if this doesn’t apply to kids as well, but I think with them the sugar content and green leafy vegetable content is more important.

《礼记·檀弓下》“齐大饥，黔敖为食于路，以待饿者而食之。有饿者蒙蚗辑履，贸贸然来。黔敖左奉食右执饮曰：嗟，来食！扬其目而视之，予不食嗟来之食，以至于斯也。从而谢焉。终不食而死。”

Book of Rites: Tenggong xia: “There was once a great famine in Qi. Qian Ao was preparing food along the road, waiting for the hungry to come along and eat. A hungry man with tattered shoes came along listlessly, covering his face. Qian Ao held out some food in his left hand and some drink in his right hand and called out: ‘Hey, come eat!’ The hungry man looked at him and said, ‘I came to be like this because I do not take food from those who shout at me.’ Qian Ao went after the man and apologized, but he refused to eat and eventually died.”

《孟子·告子上》“一箪食，一豆羹，得之则生，弗得则死；呼尔而与之，行道之人弗受；蹴尔而与之，乞人不屑也。万锺则不辨礼义而受之，万锺于我何加焉？”

Mencius: Gaozi shang: “A basket of rice and a bowl of soup: if we have these things, we live and if not, we die. If they are offered with scorn, passersby will not accept them. If they are stepped on and then offered, even beggars will look down upon them. If I am offered a high salary, and take it without considering whether it is proper or right, what good are the riches to me?”

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Most people have probably heard of Empress Wu Zetian and the Emrpess Dowager Cixi, both known for their ruthlessness and cunning, but here is a lady fit to join their ranks. Empress Shulü was a Uighur who married Abaoji, the first emperor of the Liao dynasty (later known as Empress Dowager Yingtian). When Abaoji passed away she cut off her hand to show her devotion to him and took the reigns of power, as her sons were still too young to rule. Here is an account of her first days of office:

Shulü was a wise and enduring person. When Abaoji died she sent for the wives of the great generals and said, ‘I am now a widow, so how is it suitable that you all have husbands?’ She then killed the hundred or so generals and said, ‘they can go to their emperor.’ Those attendants who had wronged her were sent to Muye mountain and killed in Abaoji’s mausoleum. She said to them, ‘you can go see your emperor in the underworld.’ The great general Zhao Siwen was originally Chinese, and was greatly loved by Abaoji for his ability and courage. Shulü once became angry with him, and wanted him sent to Muye mountain, but Siwen was not willing to go. Shulü said, ‘you were the trusted follower of the former emperor, how could you not go to see him?’ Siwen replied, ‘I was not as close as the empress, why does she not go herself?’ Shulü said, ‘I originally wanted to follow the emperor to the underworld, but as my sons are still young, and there are many problems facing our nation, I could not go. Therefore I cut off my hand and sent it to him.’ Her attendants remonstrated, so she cut off Siwen’s hand and did not kill him.

述律为人多智而忍。阿保机死，悉召从行大将等妻，谓曰：“我今为寡妇矣，汝等岂宜有夫。”乃杀其大将百余人，曰：“可往从先帝。”左右有过者，多送木叶山，杀于阿保机墓隧中，曰：“为我见先帝于地下。”大将赵思温，本中国人也，以材勇为阿保机所宠，述律后以事怒之，使送木叶山，思温辞不肯行。述律曰：“尔，先帝亲信，安得不往见之？”思温对曰：“亲莫如后，后何不行？”述律曰：“我本欲从先帝于地下，以子幼，国中多故，未能也。然可断吾一臂以送之。”左右切谏之，乃断其一腕，而释思温不杀。

From 《新五代史·四夷附录》

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Well, it’s high time this blog lived up to its title, so, just in time for the national college entrance exams, here’s a story of how they used to cheat back in the old days. Nowadays it seems like this method wouldn’t work very well, although I have heard of people doing it with less stringent exams like the CET. Pretty soon, though, they’ll probably have DNA testing, or retina scanning, or something like that.

Taken from Chapter 19 of The Scholars, or Rulin waishi, this was my favorite episode of the book:

One day Pan the Third came to Kuang Chaoren’s home and said, “My friend, I have not seen you for a long time, how about we go get a drink.”

Kuang locked his gate and went out with Pan into the street. They had only gone a few steps when a messenger from the Pan residence hurried up to them and said, “There are guests at home waiting to talk to Third Master.”

Pan said to Kuang, “Why don’t you come to my home, then?”

So they went together to Pan’s house, and Pan invited Kuang to sit in the seat of honor. Pan met with the visitor outside.

Pan said to him, “Li the Fourth, my brother, long time no see. What have you been up to?”

“I have been at the examination official’s place. There are a couple of things I would like to talk to you about, but I was afraid you wouldn’t be home. I have been worried sick.”

“What mess have you gotten yourself into this time? Whatever it is I don’t expect much out of you—you have always been tight fisted with your money, like someone who cuts vegetables in a spoon without spilling any water.”

“There’s money in it this time.”

“Ok, tell me, what is it?”

“The examination official is currently inspecting Shaoxing. There is this guy Jin Dongya who has been at the local government office for a few years, and who has made a nice pile of money for himself. Now he wants his son to take the examinations. His son is called Jin Yue, and is a complete imbecile. The examinations are coming, and Jin wants to find someone to take the test for his son. This examination official is very strict, so we will have to come up with a new way of pulling it off. This is what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“How much is he willing to pay?”

A Shaoxing graduate is worth at least 1,000 ounces of silver. If he wants to take the easy road it will require 500 ounces. It’s just that now it’s hard to find a replacement for the exam, and even then, how will the replacement get in unnoticed? What will the payment be for the replacement tester? How much should the government office be bribed? And then, how will we split the money?”

“500 ounces total, and you still want to get a piece of it. Enough with this nonsense! You’re cut will be to get some of his thank-you gifts. there’s no need for you to worry about this!”

“Just as you say. Then, how will we do it?”

“Don’t you worry about that, I will find the replacement, and I will bribe the local office. You just tell him to get 500 ounces ready for me to keep in my shop as a deposit, and give me another 30 ounces to cover expenses. I will deliver him his graduate. If I don’t, I will not touch a penny of his 500 ounces. How about that?”

“Excellent.”

As the matter was settled, they agreed upon a date for the silver to be delivered.

Pan saw Li out. He came back in and said to Kuang, “I have something I could use your help with.”

“I heard you just now. The only thing I would be good for is to be the replacement. But will I be taking the exam on the outside and have it sent in, or actually go inside to take it? If you want me to go in, I’m afraid I don’t have the courage to do it.”

“Don’t worry, you can count on me! How could I let any harm come to you? You just go home and wait for the silver to arrive, and when the time comes, I will most certainly go to Shaoxing with you.”

That night Kuang left and returned home.

After a few days, Pan really did come with his luggage, ready to go. They passed the Qiantang river, and travelled all the way to Shaoxing prefecture. They found a place to stay down a secluded ally near the entrance to the examination official’s place. The next day Li the Fourth brought the boy in to meet them. Pan learned of the time of the exam, and early that morning he took Kuang to the examination hall, where he brought out a tall black cap, blue cloth gown, and a red belt. He had Kuang take off his clothes and put these on. He quietly reassured Kuang that if he did just as he told him to do, there wouldn’t be any trouble. He left Kuang at the gate to the hall, taking his clothes with him.

After five drumbeats and three cannon shots, the examination official entered the hall. Holding a stick, Kuang was called along with the other monitors inside to stand guard by the second gate. The examination official called out the candidates’ names, and when he got to the boy, Jin Yue, Kuang gave him a look. The boy knew the plan, and snuck off into the shadows. Kuang took a few steps backwards, and went to go find the boy. He crouched behind him, taking off his hat and gown, which he exchanged with the boy. The boy stood there holding his stick. Kuang took his test papers as assigned, and started writing the essays. He did not turn the papers in until the third or fourth beat of the clappers. He left, and not a soul knew of the switch. When the results were posted, Jin Yue passed with flying colors.

Pan accompanied Kuang back home, and gave him 200 ounces of silver as payment. Pan said, “Kuang, now don’t go and waste all of this ill-gotten money. Use it for something good.”

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In honor of April Fool’s day and this blog’s birthday, here’s a joke:

艾子常醉，门生私语曰：“是不可谏止，当以险休之。”一日饮哕，门生密置豕肠，示艾曰：“凡人具五脏，今师饮而出一脏，何以生耶？”艾子熟视，笑曰：“唐三脏犹可活，况四脏耶？”

Aizi was a drunkard. His buddies said amongst themselves, “If we can’t convince him to quit, we will have to scare him into quitting.” One day Aizi got drunk and vomited, and when he wasn’t looking his buddies put a pig’s intestine in the vomit. They pointed it out to Aizi, saying, “Everyone has five organs, but you have lost one due to your drinking. How is it you are still alive?” Aizi looked closely, and laughed, saying, “If Three-Organs Tang could live, why not me with my four organs?”

From the book 酒牌. Three-Organs Tang is Tripitaka. Its probably only funny in the original…

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Here is where the old man sings cryptic songs and kicks the bucket. From 禮記 檀弓上第三.

孔子蚤作，負手曳杖，消搖於門，歌曰：“泰山其頺乎！梁木其壞乎！哲人其萎乎！”既歌而入，當戶而坐。子貢聞之，曰：“泰山其頺，則吾將安仰？梁木其壞，哲人其萎，則吾將安放？夫子殆將病也。”遂趨而入。夫子曰：“賜！爾來何遲也？夏后氏殯於東階之上，則猶在阼也。殷人殯於兩楹之間，則與賓主夾之也。周人殯於西階之上，則猶賓之也。而丘也，殷人也。予疇昔之夜，夢坐奠於兩楹之間。夫明王不興，而天下其孰能宗予？予殆將死也。”蓋寢疾七日而沒。

Confucius rose early one day. With his hands behind him, trailing a cane, he strolled aimlessly outside, singing, “Mount Tai will crumble! The rafters will fail! The philosophers are withering away!” He finished singing, went back inside, and sat facing the door. Zigong had heard all this, and said, “If Mount Tai crumbles, what will be left worth gazing at? If the rafters fail, where can I place the roof? If the philosophers wither away, who will be my role model? The Master must surely fall ill soon.” He quickly went inside. Confucius said, “Zigong! Why are you so late? During the Xia Dynasty coffins were placed in the hall facing the east stairs, which is the place of the host. The people of Yin placed coffins in the hall between two pillars, which is between the places of the host and guest. The people of Zhou put coffins in the hall facing the west stairs, which is the place of the guest. Now, I, Confucius, am a man of Yin. Last night I dreamed I was sitting between two pillars. There are no longer any wise kings in power these days. Who on Earth will treat me with respect, and let me sit in the honored seat between the two pillars? It seems that I will die soon.” He lay gravely ill for about seven days, then died.

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